RanDom ThOugHts

The past three days have been oh-so productive and tiring at the same time... Reality does set in that it is Summer Break and I am up and about at 8 in the morning and asleep by 12( ...or 1 or 2 or 3 in the morning) It's not so dbad considering that I am most eloquent and AWAKE at that time. I think it has something to do with the silence .. the stilllness ...and the calmness of the night. This time of the day gives me a sense of freedom, when I don't have to listen and follow instructions, wants and desires other than that of my self. I can let my thoughts wander off and fall into a beautiful state of euphoria. I can really dream of who I want to be and what I want to do in the future .(whether it comes true or not)

I feel extremely happy to have a family that is so unique, contradicting and exciting. Something new seems to come in our lives everyday. It's nice to know that there is not much monotony evident, only that at times it can become stressful knowing you want to do so much but are incapable of doing so becuase of sheer laziness or the sense of relaxation. Nonetheless, it's okay.. It's part of the life iI have.. now. Maybe in the future I'll learn to assert and gain control of what i want. Though I must say I enjoy their compnay a LOT.. though at this point I think I need external exposure... Hellow WorLd..

I often find myself talking to myself.. It's really funny and scary because it might mean that I have a problem up there, I have tons of time for myself or maybe my friends don't like me. Believe me, I often have this subject in my thoughts. While I see my sister going out, hanging out and enjoying the company of friends, I find myself cooped up at home and a WEEE bit jealous that she has so many friends to hang out with.. who actually invite her out. She's a free spirited and vibrant girl... I do envy her in MANY ways... She seems to be enjoying every moment in her life while I sit on the sidelines always wondering what others would say or do or think about me. This bad habit has gone BAD.. too far too long.. Did I segregate myself from society or is this who I really am? Considering the length of time I consume talking to myself in a day, I don't think a cassette would be enough to capture it. Sometimes I have great thoughts which I want to capture but fail to do so because of the enormity and length of things to say. I wish I could talk to other people than myself. It's wierd... it's not normal....

Today is my third day in ballet since my LooooOONg break. It seems that I am slowly improving my technique..(yaaay *dances around*) I really see myself in a career related to dance other than the family business which I "will" take over (daw) My passion for dance is just so uncomprehensible... I dance everywhere.. Yes, even in my sleep... Next week will be hard talaga.. ballet, BMS, LSPO.. go superwoman! kayang kaya mo yan!! ay office pa pala.. Not to forget driving lessons?? lilipat ng house?? waah... overload..

I am a wanderlust.. I have to go places.. I have to see and meet people.. even if it has to be in my dreams. Talking about dreams.. I had the most peculiar dream the other day where the first guy I seriously ever loved was present.. We were talking.. It made me miss him.. but not the same way as before.. I'm over him na... Yun nga lang he said before he'd be my bestfriend pero... Let'e leave it at that..

I miss my LIFE.. why do I feel alone even if people are around.. It's a bearable, tolerable but happy emptiness... HAVE I REALLY DONE IT THIS TIME?? I miss chilling out with the MALATE people... sobra.. I miss hanging out with my HS barkada (we've been friends since kinder).. I miss the LSPO people.... I miss after meeting lunches with the BMS peeps.. I miss my hyper blockmates who are presently at distant places.... I miss ATTITUDE..... I miss having FUN....I miss cheerleading.. I miss debating.. I miss the busy activities of the SC... I miss ***...
I miss watching movies... reading great novels... watching TV.... laughing... telebabad... talking to friends...

Isn't it evident I just miss too much .... I hope people miss me too... I hope they don't hate my kadaldalan.. kakulitan.. kahyperan....

Is this what solitude does to a person?

PaLaWan EscApaDe

I opened my eyes and there before me I saw the vastness of the sea unfolding and undulating, the mountains rising, and the sun mightily shining upon the white sandy shore. Yes, the perfect view of nature right infront of me calling me into indulge in the moment. Puerto Princesa, Palawan has beautiful wonders just waiting to be discovered and experienced. I feel pretty lucky to have seen and felt it. Last weekend was just divine, because I was able to spend time with my family at a great place. Everytime we travel seems to be filled with new learnings and discoveries.

DAY I:
We arrived Puerto Princesa last Friday at about 4:30 pm and we were met by Tito Ed Ahorro, one of my dad's friends, then we went straight to Hotel Asturias, our abode for the next 2 days and 2 nights. While we waited for our dad to get back to the room (as he was doing his usual business talk) me and my sis(TiN)ordered something to eat. So we got barbecued wings, fries and pasta. Sounds delectable, but to our dismay it was anything but that. Anyhow, we just ate since we were starved na. That same night we accompanied my dad do his "magic." It made me so proud knowing that he was contributing so much to the local travel industry even if he's not a Filipino himself. After having dinner there as well we went and had a city tour considering it was quite dark na. It's refresing to know that Puerto is still unspoilt by the invasion of malls; ie. commercialism. The lifestlye is paced at a very relaxed and slow pace.... How I wish MANILA would follow suit. SO anyway, on the way back to the hotel I couldn't help but notice the big, bright moon... I wanted to take a picture of it but I couldn't get a nice view so instead I took pictures of the pool and myself(VAIN!!!)

DAY II:
We all got up early, as we were going to the underground caves. The first half of the ride was relatively calm, then came the oh so horrible roads.. Believe me, it was horrible, like a one and a half hour massage minus the pleasure. Haha.. I felt like a lettuce leaf being tossed around a salad bowl, only in this case it was my body being thrown around.. Don't even think of sleeping in this kind of condition, you'll wake up with a perrenial headache!! hahaha.. Our destination on the other hand was the exact opposite because of the gentle waves lapping the exterior of the boat, the first boat went faster because it was motor powered. When we arrived the tshore of the hidden cove, we were welcomed by the clearest waters and the powdery sandy beach. Just a short walk from that area, I was welcomed by a very eager, hungry and friendly monkey, a perfect oppoortunity to take some photos. We then proceeded to the underground caves, all I can say is that it took my breath away. Amidst the darkness where it was hidden, there was so much beauty waiting to be seen. I can only describe it this way because I would want the others to experience it's beauty without spoiling the experience. We had our lunch near the beach together with the bayawaks and monkeys running and walking free. Talk about getting close to nature :) It all felt so good and so right.. Only thing is I wish we could have spent more time basking and baking in the sun rather then being on the road. The ride back to the city center was uneventful, except of course for the free massage "hapil-hapil" road. When we got back to the hotel it was relaxation time. We all went for a swim in the hotel's divine pool while watching the moon, talking and arguing. (family siyempre) I was extremely exhausted by dinner time but we had to entertain our hosts so I fought to keep my eyes open even if it was quite obvious I was "physically present and mentally absent" *evil laugh*

DAY III:

We were supposed to go to Honda Bay, Snake Island or Dos Palmas Resort but it was cancelled so we could rest a bit and go to mass. This would give us more reason to go back to Palawan to discover it sometime. We had breakfast then went to the Cathedral for the 10 am mass. The homily was quite odd as the priest ended it with some insights on the new pope. It went somewhat this way:

PRIEST: What's the nationality of our new Pope?
PEOPLE: German
PRIEST: Yes, so that would make him a GERMAN SHEPARD.

PRIEST: Do you know what his name is? It's Joseph Ratzinger... So we can also call him PAPA RATZI (paparazzi??)

Yes, I believe that this has to be a creation of a Filipino mind. Anyway, we proceeded to the market to buy some fresh and dried fish to take home to Manila. I witnessed the most gruesome massacre yet of my life of Nemo looking creatures. Pretty freaky for someone who doesn't frequent this place. I got fish juice all over my slippers so ... nevermind. They had ALL sorts of fish big ones, small ones, flat ones, fat ones, orange ones, blue ones, gray ones and spotted ones. I could feel the fish eyes staring at me as they helplessly lay there. So they were de-gilled, salted and packed in a cooler all for a hefty sum of 300php(packing lang). Let me just say that the experience was very enjoyable and educational. My mom taught me and my sis how to choose fresh fish. When all was set and packed we returned to the hotel where we got ripped fy 1000php for 4 hours transpo.. waaahhh... We replaced all our stuff in our bags had a sumptuous barbecue lunch in our hotel room. We then finally proceeded to our final destination for the day.. HOME..

As the plane took off from PALAWAN, I strained my head to catch a final glimpse of the island. I felt giddy and happy inside as I saw sand bars, mountains, beaches, houses and the ocean come and disappear from view. Whew, what a trip, I was really able to bond with my family most especially my mom and sister. I felt great being able to catch up on the lost time when I was "NOT" myself before. I took home lots of pleasant(and a little unpleasant) memories, experiences and pictures.

HAPIL v. waray transaltion of throww or toss


SNAP BACK TO REALITY:
Now, I'm back home typing away on my laptop remembering beautiful memories of days before while listening to the tunes of Borodin: String Quartet No.2(III. Notturno)

To Live Again..(for my lspo family)

There is just too much happiness I feel from being at the YE last weekend.... too much to be kept merely contained and hidden inside my heart. life changing would have to be the best term to use for it because amidst the dark path I was passing, it was the light that pulled me through.

My sincerest gratitude extends to Toni and Nero. you guys touched my heart and my soul. From this day forward I will forever be by your side to share the laughter, the tears. the joys and the pains of our life. You have made me experience what unconditional Love is. Thank you for listening, thank you for sharing youselves as well. I will always be praying for your safety and happiness.

For Abi, a true friend i shall always cherish, thank you for being so honest and sincere in sharing with me. What a relief and revelation.

For KaYe and Issa, remember i'll always be here to listen and care. Do not be afraid. I am here now.

A hearty Thanks to Kuya Andy, Ate Gina, Kuya Ric and Kuya Aldrin for everything.

To my LSPO Family, thanks for the wonderful bond of family. friendship and love. Thank you for making me part of this family. I will certainly be praying for you always..Thanks for all the hugs and the tears. :) love yew all..

Liberation.. back to life..

Finally, a smile is back on my face. For such a long time I have been all frowns and scowls..
I feel so exhilarated and psyched to finally see my real self emerge again. Be careful again because I was hiding something so you won’t be hurt..

I will forever be grateful to God for giving me a chance to be part of LSPO, for bringing to me to Capuchin last weekend. I cannot think of anything else that could have saved me from my dear dead self other than the YE. Had I not gone, i don’t know what evil could have happened. I believe I have been given a second chance at life. I found that my life was worth living because I had worth, I mattered. The excitement of knowing that there are those people who are really willing to listen kept me speaking and sharing and ultimately living.

People often see me as the perky Sheena who’s always just fine.. not knowing that there is a voice deep within me screaming and pleading for help. For the longest time I have felt ignored and alone, nowhere to go and no one to talk to. No safe place for me to hide from my fears and frustrations. Most people do not know how hard and painful it is to cry alone, where no one hears what the heart desires to say. I feel so used, so worn out that in the end there’s no sense to live.. to thrive.. to exist. I wish someone was listening to what I was not saying.

You do not know what I have had to go through to keep a straight face day after day.. losing a little more of myslef as I drag myself from bed each morning to face the world that was. There came a point where I was so afraid. Fearful at what I am capable of doing and achieveing. That place is certainly, a place I refuse to revisit for it builds a deep, empty space right in between my chest. POUNDING...SLAPPING...THUMPING...HITTING...SCREAMING...

Today, I have broken the silence. Will somebody please listen?

me.

i am sick.
i am tired.
i am burning-out..

*sigh* I feel exhausted because for the past 2 or so months I have been kept utterly busy by schoolwork. I haven't had much time for ballet. I am failing. I feel sick. This is a scary feeling. I hope I get over it soon. *sigh*

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x-posted in livejournal and deviantart.com